Friday, December 13, 2013

Shaking and Heart Pounding

Shaking, Heart Pounding

I have moments of intense sobbing.  I try to cry in private, but tears do leak out.  My right eye has started twitching and I feel naseous.  My sleeves have become tissues.  I am shaky and feel weak.  I feel as if I cannot eat anything that requires chewing.  My heart pounds in my chest.  My back and neck ache from clenching my teeth and hunching over in sobs.  Exhaustion.

When people ask me how I am, I struggle to say "I am okay", because it feels like a lie.  I feel like I have failed, am failing, because I am struggling to be at peace, struggling to cope, just struggling.  My prayers are sobs, anguish, and overwhelming.  I feel like I am begging.  I am an emotional person.  We do not have a name yet to what is causing my husband's pain and discomfort, but I love him so deeply that my heart aches at the thought that something is wrong.  (I do appreciate your love, concern, and support.  We still need and want that, so please don't stop asking.)

Yet I press on.  I try a smile on my face, try making a lame joke to cheer myself up, and put one foot down at time.  Time seems to slow down where I feel every step I take, along with the effort required to take that step.  Sometimes, I feel this bubble around me, while others carry on, and I am just treading water.   Waiting for an answer.  Waiting.

Yet, my husband who is the one that is in distress, is graceful, beautiful, calm, and reflective.  He is amazing to me.  He conducted a band concert last night.  It was beautiful.  He was beautiful.  Those kids look up to him.  I loved watching him on stage and listening to his "audience humor".  My son bounced in the seat to the music.  I saw some of you prayer warriors in the audience too.  I had some sitting near me as well.  Thank you.

Even though it is hard, I am taking one day at a time.  I am.  I do have Hope.  I need guidance in this situation even though I don't know why it is happening.  I am also praying - for healing, strength, discernment, a clear mind.  God's love and power is present.   We are not carrying this load alone.

I am finding some bits of moments of peace.  Each day IS a gift.  My husband feels discomforts and emotions too and I want your prayers on and for him. God is carrying us, and my love of Him, my husband, my family, gets me out of my bed to press on towards another day.

We are thankful knowing that you are praying for us; that we have another day of breath, of life; and that God does provide.

Today is a sedated biopsy where more information is evaluated.  Please also pray during these procedures.  Follow up is on Monday.
J.B. a friend of ours, and a person that writes in ways that deeply connect, recently posted this:  

Will you join us in prayer?

As many of our past RFG'rs {Run for God} may recall our leaders this past spring (2013) were struggling with health related issues preventing them from being able to participate to the extent they would have liked.

Wayne Burlison, in particular as you may recall was having fatigue/endurance issues, forcing him, to his credit, and to God's glory to finish on his bicycle. Some recent developments have come to light which beckon him and his family to be raised up to God in fervent prayer.

After months of recent arduous back pain Wayne went to see his doctor just this past week, at which time X-rays and a CT scan revealed the pain is being caused by "masses" on his liver putting pressure on other organs/his back etc., also masses have been found on his colon as well. He has a biopsy scheduled for later this week and will be meeting with an oncologist Monday to plan a course of action based on the results.

I would ask you to lovingly forward this to as many prayer warriors as you feel led....

"Dear Heavenly Father we call on your Holy Spirit at work in Wayne to bring his body mind and soul to complete glorious restoration, these "masses" be miraculously absent from his body. We offer praises for the inspiration of the Godly man that Wayne is and all the lives he has, is, and WILL effect and I ask you to honor him and protect him and his family as you said you would, in this moment, as well as in the days, weeks, months and years to come.  Lord please surround them with nothing but edifying hope filled righteous people, keep the evil one, negativity and darkness from EVER darkening his doorstep! In Jesus holy name we trust you will use this experience to your glory and honor, and ask for strength to do your will through out."

NOW is our time to lift him up ...

Reflection verses:

... Pour out your heart like water in the presence of the Lord... (Lamentations 2:19 NLT).
Let your unfailing love surround us, Lord, for our hope is in you alone.. (Psalm 33:22 NLT)
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him.  (Romans 15:13 NIV)

And, again:

The Lord is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in him, (Nahum 1:7 NIV)

19 “Again, truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. 20 For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.” (Matthew 18:19, 20 NIV)

Praise the Lord, my soul, and forget not all his benefits—who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, (Psalms 103:2-4 NIV)

But the plans of the Lord stand firm forever, the purposes of his heart through all generations.. (Psalm 33:11 NIV)

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