New Mode

New Mode

Yesterday was one month since Wayne passed away.

Only one month.  

Diagnosed only 4 months and 17 days ago; with one of those months in an intensive medical situation.

Many have commented on our strength during the journey, during the time in the hospital, and during the funeral. I felt that was my job in providing comfort to others.  I felt this nudge to share the story, to be emotionally strong, as well as knowing the opportunity and call to share God with others during that time.  I think about the testimony I gave, the arrangements I planned, the questions and lists that I formed, and know that was not the "usual me".  

God, and your prayers to Him, lifted me up to have the courage and words to do those things.  To take care of details.  But now it all falls away, and at times the grief comes stronger and the reality of this new life can be looming.  Sometimes, it just feels unreal, like a dream that I cannot awake from.  I cannot ignore the reality, and the reality hits hard.

My son and I are missing Dadda so much, especially in the daily things.  We find comfort in just talking and spending quality time together.  I find that I can handle one major task today.  The task usually involves something I would have talked to my husband about, that would require him to be my partner alongside me, helping me complete or decide about the task.  Or, it is a task I must complete because he has passed away.  I have to prove, or tell a person, the evidence that my husband has passed away.  It can be exhausting, to be honest.

Sometimes the "what-ifs" come in, and I know they are useless.  I cannot change anything.  As much as I want to jump into a time machine and love more, be more, do more, I know that I can still do those in the present.  Grieving helps me get there.  Grieving is allowing me to see beauty in each day, things to be thankful for amongst the pain of loss.  When I cry, whether I'm alone, in a crowd of strangers, or with someone I know, there is grace and love there too.

I started reading about grief for both adults and children, and am comforted to know that there is no schedule to follow, or length of time to grieve.  Grieving can be a long and deep process.  There is no "right way" to do it, other than to allow yourself to actually grieve.  And that to allow oneself to grieve, rather than stuffing it down, is allowing yourself to heal.  This grieving will strengthen us over time.  

People have commented on my crying, perhaps surprised by it because I was holding it in before.   Maybe the surprise is because they do not know how to comfort me.  But, I ask you, let me cry, and please do not tell me to "just be strong";  my crying is not a weakness.  I know you care about us and want what is best for us.  You do not have to hug me, say anything, or do anything, unless you feel called to do so.  Grieving is not just tears but remembering, talking it out, being alone, finding comfort, journaling, and spending time with family.  This is how I must process this new mode of life.

Many of you send me messages of love, and please, I hope you understand that you do provide comfort.  I do not always have a response for you.  But, I know you're there.  Thank you for your prayers.

It is my hope that I am still sharing the promise of hope and grace of God, but for now, I am doing that in a new mode.  Wrapped in His arms, grieving, because it is necessary to my and my son's growth and well-being. 

Reflection Verse:

Then Jesus wept. (John 11:35 NLT)