I have blogged about the entire day that Wayne went to Heaven. This was an incredibly personal day and all of the words and emotions are not ready quite ready to flow. However, there are excerpts from this blogging here for you, remembering as we prepare ourselves for celebrating Jesus' resurrection.
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I wanted to be with Wayne when it was time for him to go. I had been with him for every other event in the ICU (as well as in every major event in our lives together), and I wanted to be with him when he left earth. I wanted him to know that I was here. Our son too had a bond where he felt that he could not leave Dadda's side; both of us feeling this urge to be near him.
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We hold onto Wayne. The nurses leave to give us privacy in our last moments together as a family of three.
We hold onto Wayne. The nurses leave to give us privacy in our last moments together as a family of three.
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We tell Dadda that we love him; that we will be okay; that we will miss him; and we understand it is time for him to go Home. My son and I hold him, and I stroke the hair on Wayne's head. I kiss his forehead.
His pulse stops, and Adam turns to me, tears and amazement in his eyes ... even though Wayne could not physically speak ... and my son says "Dadda said my name. ... '". I tell him that is a gift from Dadda. I pray he holds it and treasures it always.
My son and I then clung to and hugged each other and cried. The room felt empty, yet peaceful, and my son then asked to leave. We could feel that Wayne was not in there anymore. I looked up, saying "good bye" and "I love you", picturing Wayne running barefoot and playing music. Meeting Jesus. Glorious.
My son goes to play in the lounge with nurses keeping an eye on him, and I call the funeral home. I wait in the room with Wayne's body, sensing the emptiness of the room, packing things up, bowing my head.
The man from the funeral home comes, and though we have never met before, we hug. I appreciated his compassion and caring; wondering if it is tough for him, being one of the first to see those grieving. I help him and the nurses move Wayne's body to the stretcher; I wanted to help take care of it, helping it on it's journey home to our town.
A friend had arrived to drive us home, and we walked behind the stretcher to the parking lot. My son asked if Dadda's body was inside the zippered bag, and I said yes, and we said good-bye.
We arrived home to a house that had frozen in time, since we had left almost 3 weeks earlier, to go the hospital. I stood at Wayne's desk - saw his handwriting, his to-do list, his books, his things, as if they were waiting; waiting for him.
And, I cry.
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This experience showed me that death itself is not scary; it can be peaceful and beautiful. Missing Wayne is the most excruciating and painful part for me. Being together in that moment is a memory that I will cling to, in order to heal from the pain of my loss; knowing the peace that transpired in that moment; the victory that is ours through Jesus, remembering that Wayne is now in a perfect place; with Him.
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Wayne was willing to suffer through chemotherapy treatments, pain, and complications in order to keep living out God's purpose, as well as living for his wife and son. He bore the burden of this suffering with intentionality. I want to assure you that Wayne did not suffer in those last moments and that his journey continues to serve as a Godly purpose. As hard as that is to accept sometimes, for the purpose is not always clear to me, as the waves of emotions come and go like the tides, I know ultimately good will come from this. I must rely on God and my faith in Him.
Wayne wanted his earthly life to be a life intentionally serving God; fulfilling His purpose. And, knowing the promise of being with Him; Jesus.
Reflection verses:
No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us. And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:37-39 NLT)
All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. It is by his great mercy that we have been born again, because God raised Jesus Christ from the dead. Now we live with great expectation, and we have a priceless inheritance—an inheritance that is kept in heaven for you, pure and undefiled, beyond the reach of change and decay. (1 Peter 1:3, 4 NLT)
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