Bad Dreams

Bad Dreams

Did you ever have that dream where all of your teeth fell out and you woke up frantically checking your mouth?  Or, maybe you dreamt that something is chasing you, and you wake up just as you are about to get caught?  Maybe it is a dream where you are endlessly searching for something and you wake up still feeling sad and lost?

Sometimes I wake up in the morning and forget that my husband is in a battle with cancer.  I feel like I have woken up from a very long and bad dream.  I get out of bed, we walk around the house getting ready for the day, make breakfast, pack bags, cook dinner, do laundry, laugh, ... daily every day stuff. Things seem normal.

But, then the appointments occur - chemotherapy, scans, blood work, blood transfusions ...  the pain and the nausea comes.  I realize that these things occur so that my husband can get better, but as mentioned previously, it is hard to watch.  Worldly reality ... not a bad dream.

I must admit that sometimes I am very angry about this situation.  I would not wish it on anyone ever.  I am not angry at God.  He did not cause it.  I do cry out to Him for help.  I am frustrated, scared, emotionally hurt, angry.  Sometimes, I want to stomp my foot and shout at something, yet there is nothing for me to direct my anger at.  No one did anything wrong, but this emotion comes out of me, in the privacy of my own home ... in the shower or the bedroom where no one sees me... sometimes just in my own head, swirling around.  The reality of worldly things scares me.  Pain, fear, anxiety, doubt, and helplessness.  Sometimes, I walk around with a clouded mind, hurting stomach, and tears.  This thing is part of a sinful, imperfect world and I h.a.t.e. it. 

 I am thankful for God's mercy, love, and grace in these moments.  I also know that I am not alone with the way I am feeling.   God also sends people to me... usually it is in the form of a text or an email, or perhaps a hug, or a gift that fills a need, and that person also brightens my day in some way.  

I need to turn away from anger and turn to God.  And, then I remember that God is in control.  Not me.  Not the world.

So, I pray, refocus, and have hope.  Hope for healing and recovery.  Thank you God.

Reflection Verses:

Though a mighty army surrounds me, my heart will not be afraid.  Even if I am attacked, I will remain confident. Psalm 27:3 NLT

Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret—it leads only to evil.  Psalm 37:8 NIV